


the flowers that bloom in spring (will wither in winter)

by jaecken



Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Dark-ish Humor, M/M, aged down day6 so they're around 16-18-ish, side dopil
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-08
Updated: 2019-03-26
Packaged: 2019-10-24 09:50:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17702099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaecken/pseuds/jaecken
Summary: "Don't get attached."That line rang loudly inside Younghyun's mind. A warning.But as Younghyun watched the corners of Jae's lips curl up into a wide smile, Younghyun knew that he wasfucked.--or the jaebri fic that's based on the anime movie / jdrama called 'i want to eat your pancreas'.





	1. when he bloomed in spring

**Author's Note:**

> dive right into the angst, fellas. i apologize in advance. : D i also accept constructive criticisms! uwu

For Younghyun’s classmate (and someone more than that; their relationship was a little too hard to describe even with all the words in the dictionary), Jaehyung Park’s memorial and funeral—

 

—he didn’t show up to either.

 

There were many ways life could fuck someone up — Younghyun was well too familiar with that fact, but that didn’t mean he was used to it.

 

Rather, he had spent his days uselessly, staring at the studio he and Jaehyung used to come to after school. Death wasn’t an uncommon topic between the two of them. Heck, Jaehyung kept bringing it up _every single day_ , dropping it like it was nothing but a casual word. But Younghyun couldn’t _accept_ it. He could take every other fuckery that life wanted to throw at him, just—

 

—just not this one.

 

He couldn’t help the harsh smile that painted his lips as he leaned back, gaze focused on the sky above. His sight blurred with tears that remained unshed, and he bit his lower lip with enough force that it almost made it bleed.

 

“I thought you never broke a promise, Jae?” he uttered under his breath. “Then what the fuck is _this_?”

 

⋆⋆⋆

 

Younghyun couldn’t focus on his goddamn book.

 

Well, what did he expect from a hospital in the first place? Especially in the lounge where all the other patients were waiting for their turn at the counter? While he tried to focus on the book in his hand, rested above the thigh of his crossed legs, his mind simply couldn’t process the words in its fullest with all the noises that reached his ears. On one side, he could hear kids running, playing and laughing about, and on the other, two women were discussing the labor of their mutual friend, who apparently was at this hospital too. Definitely, he heard things that he wasn’t even curious about, things he knew he didn’t need to know in his life, but he remembered that he was still outside, in a public place.

 

Unnecessary noise was one of his main reasons why he didn’t like going to public places. If only he didn’t have an appointment that day, he wouldn’t even have bothered coming here at all.

 

“Ticket number 54—” a robotic voice cut through his mind, and his gaze moved from the words inked on page upwards “—please go to counter A2.”

 

He closed his book without missing a beat, blinking, and he slid it inside the small bag he’d brought with him. Two little boys ran by him, slightly nudging his foot when they did. With a click of his tongue, his eyes followed the figures of the children. They hit the bench on the other side, causing a small book to fall onto the floor. As they seemed not to have noticed it, they reached a woman, who Younghyun could only assume was their mother.

 

His attention shifted to the fallen book. It seemed harmless enough, though it didn’t have its title on the front page. Who could have left a book in here? Obviously, they didn’t care enough about their novels to leave it here, free for anyone to take. He shook his head in disapproval, before he stood up and headed toward it, picking it up once he reached it.

 

It was small in his hand, and felt even lighter in touch. He flipped it open to the first page.

 

 _Living With Dying._  
\- yellowpostitman

 

The author’s name made his eyebrows furrow in its strangeness. Who _actually_ would use that as their pseudonym? Certainly, not him. He flipped it open to the next, eyes scanning through the words rather quickly and he sat down. It wasn’t a novel, he realized as his eyebrows slightly moved up. It was a diary (a diary of someone with a pretty messy penmanship, but readable nonetheless).

 

_So how do I even start this?_

 

_Maybe I’ll start with the fact that I have a deadly sickness (yikes!), and that I only have a few years, give or take. This is something I haven’t told anyone outside my family yet, and I have no plans to. But oh well, since I’m already dying and everything, I figured I should use this small notebook to write the rest of my days down._

 

_Kind of like a proof of living, don’t you think?_

 

 _My deadly illness — we shall give it its name right here and now. It’s pancreatic cancer, the ‘lord’ of all diseases, and it’s killed most of those who’ve been diagnosed with it. With symptoms that couldn’t be detected or found early, you’d be_ ~~_pretty_~~ _very_ _unlucky to have gotten it._

 

_Guess I was one of the unlucky ones._

 

“... Cancer?” he muttered out loud. This was someone else’s journal of their struggles, and it felt undeniably intruding of him to read this.

 

“That’s—” a familiar voice suddenly reached his ears, pulled him out of his reading “—mine.”

 

Younghyun’s head snapped upwards, eyes wide with surprise. In front of him was a familiar face, incredibly tall in height and with a lanky figure. With blond-dyed hair messily parted to the side, his eyes blinked from behind the lenses of his glasses. Younghyun struggled momentarily to find a name to fit this face.

 

 _If I remember right, this is_ —

 

“Jae,” was the name that rolled off of his tongue. That was what everyone called the taller male.

 

“Hoooh,” Jae drawled out, eyebrows rising, “Mister Kang, what are you doing in the hospital?”

 

Younghyun quickly closed the diary. “I was getting my appendectomy stitches checked,” he replied with his usual disinterested tone.

 

Jae was acting a lot more naturally than Younghyun initially thought. His heartbeats moved faster in their pace, and he felt as though he’d been caught doing something illegal (which might just be similar to his current case). Maybe if he acted like he didn’t read anything—

 

“That diary—” Younghyun’s hopes were flushed down the drain right at that second “you were reading it, weren’t you?”

 

Younghyun’s breath hitched in his throat. The rate of his heartbeat rose, before Jae let out a sigh of relief, shoulders slumping, and he flopped himself onto the chair beside Younghyun. Younghyun couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow in confusion.

 

“You totally were! But I’m glad you found it. I was on the verge of panicking, you know?” Jae said, gesturing to the diary with a movement of his head. “That’s my entire life right there. Thanks for picking it up, bro!” Jae swiftly took it from the other’s hand, which was holding onto it quite loosely ever since the lanky lad appeared in front of him.

 

“I didn’t think I’d see you in here, but appendectomy stitches, huh?” Jae nodded, as though he had finally understood something. “I came here to get my pancreas checked. If I didn’t do it, I’ll die — more quickly, anyway.”

 

“So…” Younghyun faltered, face still passive, “it wasn’t a joke?”

 

“What is?” Jae asked, blinking.

 

“Pancreatic cancer,” Younghyun deadpanned.

 

Jae stared at him for a few moments, long enough for Younghyun to feel conscious of it, but then Jae burst into laughter, loud enough to disturb those around them. His hand went to his stomach, clutching his shirt as he doubled over, laughing a little too happily for Younghyun to relate.

 

“Well, I sure am glad you’re happy,” Younghyun said, sarcasm lacing his tone. “But what exactly about my statement is funny?”

 

“I know I’m a bit funny and I joke around a lot but—” Jae turned his head toward Younghyun, still hunched over his thighs, “—my sense of humor isn’t _that_ dark, hey!”

 

Younghyun’s eyebrows furrowed at that answer. “So it isn’t… a joke then?”

 

Jae exhaled softly through his nose, and he faced the floor. “Why would I joke about something like that?” he uttered. “My pancreas stopped working, and I’ll die soon. That’s all.”

 

Younghyun couldn’t find his words then. What was he supposed to say to that? He hadn’t met anyone who knew the time of their death, and he hadn’t met anyone who was as bubbly and alright with it as Jae. It wasn’t like he talked to a lot of people — they were simply a waste of his time, all the people. He had never been the type to socialize, after all.

 

He took in a deep breath. “Is that so,” he said, posed like a statement rather than a question.

 

“That’s all?” Jae straightened his back, and he looked at Younghyun with a surprised expression. “You aren’t going to ask any more than that?”

 

Younghyun only stood up, his hand on the strap of his bag. “That’s right. It’s not really any of my business now, is it?”

 

“Ticker number 54, please come to counter A2,” a robotic voice spoke throughout the room. Younghyun looked at the counters, before his gaze returned to Jae through the corners of his eyes. He really shouldn’t have gotten involved with this damn boy, who was looking at him with questioning eyes.

 

“You’re so _weird_.” Jae’s eyebrows almost met when he spoke those words.

 

Younghyun could only scoff and give the lanky classmate with glasses a small smile — and even that was barely visible with the slightest movements of his lips. “Whatever, I’m going.” He waved a dismissive hand at the latter, before heading off to the counter, which was something he should have done earlier ago.

 

_(Maybe if he didn’t choose to pick that book up, he wouldn’t have had his heart too broken.)_

 

⋆⋆⋆

 

The cool breeze of spring kissed his exposed skin, his hair slightly jostled by it as Younghyun threaded the crowd-free street. Cherry blossoms flew around him, dancing along with the wind. This time, he didn’t have his head buried in a book. Instead, his head was flowing with words that lined up together and separated when the form sounded wrong, dancing around a melody that he’d built in his mind. He had earphones plugged in his ears, though there was no music playing from it.

 

The hospital appointment had gone quick. He actually felt that the time he waited for his turn was longer than how the actual check-up went, which wasn’t that bad, he figured. There had been times where he had to wait for too long — and that shit was something he couldn’t handle for too long. He’d never had the longest patience, anyway.

 

He faltered in his steps however, as a familiar figure entered his line of sight. The figure was sitting against the railing that was the boundary between the sidewalk and the road, back facing him. He wasn’t even able to move a muscle when the figure suddenly turned around, and once again, those same bright eyes from earlier looked at him with so much _shine_ that Younghyun thought was impossible for one human being to possess.

 

With the way the pink petals danced around his body, it almost looked a little too beautiful in Younghyun’s eyes.

 

“Ah!” Jae’s voice was loud, and Younghyun could almost groan at the delight he heard from the other’s tone. “What a coincidence meeting you here!”

 

Younghyun only gave Jae a look. _Coincidences, my ass._ He didn’t even have to ask to know how the taller male ended up there. Younghyun quickly turned to the side, hastening his pace as he chose to go to another street instead. “Don’t pull me into your damn coincidences,” he said loudly.

 

“Wait—ah, I forgot to ask for your name!” Younghyun hoped that ignoring Jae would make the other give up on running after him. “Hey! Wait a minute! Don’t walk too fast!”

 

But curse Jae’s legs for being too fucking long. Obviously, a jogging titan would catch up to Younghyun in no time, and such was the case when Jae plopped to his side, throwing an arm around Younghyun’s shoulders when Jae reached him. In instinct, Younghyun slid from under the arm, stepped to the side, and continued walking down. Was no amount of ignoring not going to work on Jae?

 

Shouldn’t Jae be a little put-off with being ignored? Being one of the popular guys in their school, he should be used to the attention. But _damn_ , Younghyun’s plan of ignoring Jae until the latter gave up was probably going to work against him, wasn’t it?

 

“How do you walk so fast with _those_ legs, man?” Jae said, easily catching up with Younghyun. Younghyun clicked his tongue, and he moved his gaze up toward the other’s face, eyes narrowed into a glare.

 

“Are you implying that I’m fucking short?”

 

“Easy there!” Jae leaned away, raised both of his hands in surrender as he gave Younghyun a grin. “Don’t be so grumpy, uh… what was your name again?”

 

“You don’t even know the name of your classmates?” Younghyun deadpanned, once again. Was that case? Or maybe he’d been too good at blending in the background that no one even knew that he was a part of that class? Nah, that couldn’t be true. Even with his quiet personality, he wasn’t dense not to know that his presence was _loud_ . Mainly because of his own reputation, especially _so_ because it wasn’t a good one.

 

“I-I do! But I forgot!” Jae rubbed his nape, sighing. “I forget names easily—sue me.”

 

“Remember it then,” Younghyun said, and turned his attention straight ahead. Jae wasn’t going to leave no matter how hard Younghyun tried to ignore the latter, much to his disappointment. Jae was a loud individual — even with how indifferent Younghyun was to the rest of the world, Jae’s presence was _loud_ , pulled attention to him without effort. It was one of the reasons why Younghyun even knew who Jae was, which was rare in its own right, as Younghyun didn’t _care enough_ about the world to even bother knowing their names. Jae would effortlessly attract everyone’s eyes and attention on him. Younghyun couldn’t guess if Jae was aware of this part of his or not.

 

But if Younghyun were to pick a metaphor, Jae would be _gravity._

 

“Well, since I already know my memory will fail me, I’ll just guess what it is!” Jae placed his fist above an open palm, nodding with a wide smile on his face. Younghyun was skeptical — what kind of names was Jae going to come up for him? Younghyun didn’t know Jae that well, but even _he_ had heard his ridiculous way of giving nicknames to others, though the others didn’t seem to mind.

 

It was Jae, after all.

 

“Say, you’re from Canada, right? So that means you’ve got an English name and everything too, right?”

 

Where did Jae even get that information? Granted, he’d said that two years ago when they were in their first year as an introduction — maybe the question should be rephrased. How had Jae even remembered that if his memory was as shitty as he claimed it was?

 

Younghyun decided he didn’t want to know the answer, so he only nodded.

 

 _“Oh! So that means you can speak English too!”_ Jae said with a cheery smile, easily slipping into the foreign language, which Younghyun understood instantly. He was quite fluent in English, if he had to scale his competency in the language. Having lived in Canada for at least four years (and not to mention how easy it was for him to learn languages), getting the English language down was a piece of cake. _“It’s actually hard to find someone here who speaks English, and ah well, my English is far, far better than my Korean. So I struggle a lot!”_

 

 _‘I don’t particularly care,’_ Younghyun wanted to say, but he supposed that would be a little too rude to say to someone whom he’d just discovered was actually dying. He let out a sigh, clearly about to surrender to the noisy presence of his classmate for who knows how long. “What do you expect? You’re in Korea, so _of fucking course_ , they’re gonna speak in Korean,” was what he opted for instead, continuing to speak the Korean language rather than reply to the other in English.

 

“Guess you’re right.” Jae shrugged, and then he blinked, as though he’d just realized something. “Have you ever been told how you look like a Brian?”

 

Younghyun sputtered. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” _How the hell did he even know my English name?_

 

“I meant exactly what I said. You look like a Brian!” Jae beamed, and leaned a little bit closer to Younghyun. “Your name is Brian, isn’t it? Like your English name? By the way, mine’s simply just Jae, like my nickname. Or _J-a-y_ , if we’re going to spell it English way.”

 

How did even one _look_ like a goddamn Brian? Younghyun didn’t know. Should he be offended? That he looked like a Brian? That he looked like his English name? What did that even _mean_?

 

Younghyun didn’t even realize he was staring at Jae with a dumbfounded look. Jae scoffed and grinned smugly, placing his hands on his hips as he puffed his (flat) chest out.

 

“What? Amazed at my genius? I know, Brian, but that’s normal. Not everyone can be as smart as me—”

 

“—oh shut _the hell_ up.” Younghyun only received a boisterous laugh in return, to which he rolled his eyes. He held a hand up to his chest, looking at his silver wristwatch. It had been approximately 15 minutes since he’d left the hospital, and now they were reaching a crossing. The traffic lights blinked red for the pedestrian, with a countdown to 40 seconds before it’d blink green.

 

“If you’re not going to tell me what your name is, I’m going to keep calling you Brian until you do.”

 

“Are you going to stop if I say no?” As far as Younghyun was aware, no one knew about his English name. So then came the crisis: did he _truly_ look like a Brian? What did even a Brian _look_ like?

 

“Nope!” Jae answered without missing a beat, smiled all teeth and widely. Did he never get tired of smiling? How the hell did he even smile so much when he was apparently dying soon? “Besides only _I_ get to call you that now, since I think everyone else knows who you are.”

 

 _‘No, you don’t,’_ were words that were left unsaid in Younghyun’s mind. “Do what you want, geez,” he said, adjusting his bag on his shoulder. A hand moved up, fingers holding a small lock of his hair in between the flesh, and he started rubbing it together absentmindedly.

 

The moment the two of them were by the pedestrian lane, the traffic lights blinked green, a figure of a stickman making walking motions in its small screen, as if on cue with Jae’s arrival. Probably not knowing that Younghyun wasn’t going to follow, Jae began to walk forward.

 

Time seemed to have slowed down for Younghyun. For a moment, there was only Jae moving away from him, Younghyun’s eyes following Jae’s figure, and the blur of the car that didn’t stop even when the lights turned red for vehicles. Younghyun’s hand reached out for Jae’s arm, pulling the latter back into him, not even bothering about the obvious height difference between them when the pull caused Jae to lean most of his weight onto the smaller. It didn’t matter — for someone so tall, he felt too light.

 

The clock hand began to move again, and the car flew by them.

 

“You dumbass, do you not look sideways when you cross the street?” Younghyun asked, and let go of Jae with a deep sigh. Jae almost stumbled back into him when Younghyun let go, but Jae let out a laugh anyway, though Younghyun could hear the anxiety and weakness underneath the cheerful tone.

 

Jae seemed to have a habit of acting strong when he didn’t have to, Younghyun noticed.

 

“I didn’t think I needed to! There weren’t a lot of cars!” Jae replied, sounding defensive, but Younghyun only gave him a look ( _yes,_ that one again). Jae, once again, only had his lips curl up into an apologetic smile, shoulders shrugged in defeat.

 

“If you want to die, do it somewhere _not_ in front of me,” Younghyun said, turning his gaze away from the other and faced the street in front of him. Pink petals decorated his way, and he felt kind of bad for those whose job was to clean it.

 

“Hey! That’s not a good thing to say to someone who’s _actually_ dying! What if I die and you don’t know I already did?” Jae looked more and more like a child — a big ass child — with each second that passed, and _is he fucking pouting, dear fuck._

 

To be frank, Younghyun most likely wouldn’t be too affected, as heartless as that sounded. They weren’t close in any aspects of life, and this day was actually the _first_ time they talked to each other. He could even bet, without hesitation, that this was the first time Jae acknowledged his existence.

 

He didn’t think that’d be a good thing to say to Jae, so he didn’t say anything in reply. Jae didn’t seem to mind his silence, as he continued to speak — though this time, Jae’s aura was quite different from seconds ago. “About… my journal—uh, my sickness,” he started with what felt like an out of character hesitation, “please don’t tell anyone about it. I haven’t told anyone outside of my family yet.”

 

Younghyun couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow. “Not even your closest friends?”

 

“That’s right.” Jae nodded.

 

“Why not?”

 

Jae’s pupils moved to the corners of his eyes, looking down at the pavement below. “If I do, they wouldn’t be normal around me anymore. Especially Wonpil — he may seem unbothered most of the time, but he’s just _so_ emotional that he’ll probably cry whenever he sees me. That wouldn’t be too fun now, would it?” _Wonpil._ That name rang a bell, and Younghyun could vaguely remember another popular boy—one people actually called _flower boy_ . So he and Jae were best friends, huh? “And my family already acts like I’m so _goddamn fragile that I_ —”

 

Younghyun blinked, surprised at the sudden change in tone, and Jae faltered in his words.

 

“Just please, don’t tell anyone.” Younghyun could hear the silent, unsaid desperation, though he wouldn’t know. He didn’t know Jae all that well, after all. Jae then turned to him, _another_ smile on his damn face. _How could he always be so... that?_ Whatever the fuck it was. “Besides, it’ll be our own little secret! Doesn’t that make your heart race a little?”

 

“No.” Another deadpan.

 

Jae clicked his tongue, an unsatisfied expression on his face. “Anyway! Just keep it a secret, alright?” He held out a hand toward the other, his expression shifting into a jollier one. “Let’s get along from now on. Since you know my secret now, that’ll only be natural, don’t you think?”

 

Younghyun’s gaze fell on the other’s outstretched hand. In his mind went through a million of possibilities. What could happen once he took that hand? For a reason he couldn’t yet fathom, there was hesitation lingering in his heart. There were too many things that could happen. Maybe it was just him reading a little too many novels for one lifetime or writing too many songs for a boy of his age, but this felt like a build up for something he wouldn’t even want in his life.

 

But Jae’s smile was too bright, too encouraging, that Younghyun found himself taking Jae’s hand, noting of the warmth that quickly passed through their skins as they touched. Jae’s hand was soft, but not too soft. It was slightly bigger than Younghyun’s, but the latter’s was wider, whereas Jae’s was longer and slender.

 

Younghyun liked to believe it was only him, but Jae’s eyes seemed to have brightened when he took the taller’s hand. Younghyun couldn’t help but feel a bit of regret that he actually took Jae’s hand (but he figured he didn’t dislike seeing the bright light in his classmate’s eyes).

 

“You better not be annoying or _else_.” Younghyun’s threat didn’t even feel like a threat, and Jae seemed to be already too comfortable with Younghyun that he only elicited a laugh from the other male. Jae withdrew his hand.

 

“See you at school then!” Jae gave Younghyun a messy salute, before the other ran toward the other side of the road, beating the lights to a one second difference.

 

“Didn’t you learn your lesson, you damn idiot,” Younghyun muttered under his breath. Jae stood at the other side, and waved both hands rather enthusiastically. Younghyun only made a shooing motion with his hand, to which Jae grinned to once again, before he turned on his heels and walked away with his back turned to Younghyun.

 

Younghyun only watched as Jae’s figure disappeared around the corner, and he closed his eyes momentarily. When he opened them again, he looked at his open palm — the one that held Jae’s hand — and he let out an exasperated sigh.

 

Just what had he gotten himself into? 


	2. (an attempt at) defying gravity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Younghyun couldn't say no.

The next day, change came a little too fast in Younghyun’s life. 

 

He had his notebook opened in front of him, by his desk, as he wrote, erased, wrote, and erased words over and over again. There was a melody in his mind, but he still couldn’t think of the right words to use for the song that he was currently making. Inspiration had used to come so easily to him, yet for some reason, his muse had been quite dry lately — which was a huge irritation, but what could he do when creativity simply wasn’t letting him do his thing?

 

“Brian!” The call of his English name was what broke him out of his focus. He wasn’t, and probably would never get used to being called by that name when they were in Korea. He stiffened in his position, already knowing who it was. There was only one person that was too persistent in calling him by that name. 

 

Two hands slammed on his desk, and in a second, Younghyun closed the notebook he was writing in, letting his hand rest on top of it. He sighed, closing his eyes to prepare himself for what was to come next. Then he looked up at the unwanted intruder, and was greeted by the familiar bright eyes that had come to haunt him. 

 

“Do you have to be so damn loud in the morning?” 

 

“This is my normal voice!” 

 

“And you still  _ don’t _ know my name?” 

 

Jae chuckled sheepishly. “Well… no. I keep forgetting to ask.”

 

How bad was Jae’s memory to forget even  _ that _ ? Younghyun didn’t know. He didn’t  _ want _ to know. But this meant that he was stuck with Jae calling him Brian until Jae learned of his Korean name, and  _ everyone _ was going to know that name. Not that Younghyun was bothered with it. It was just that — it felt weird, especially since Jae was going to be the only one who called him by that name. Everyone else called him either by his full name or given name, though that rarely happened. He was never one to actively seek out socializing.

 

Younghyun let out a sigh. “So? What did you come here for? Did you just come here to annoy me first thing in the morning?” 

 

“Nah, annoying you will come later.”  _ This little— _ “I actually wanted to ask you to come with me after school.”

 

Younghyun raised an eyebrow. “After school?” Jae hummed as he nodded. He then grabbed the chair from the seat in front of Younghyun’s, and pulled it to his front, sitting down on it with his legs on either side, arms placed above it.

 

“There’s this one cafe I want to go to, and I decided that  _ you’re _ going to be the one to come with me!” 

 

Why would Jae even decide that? Why  _ Younghyun _ , of all people? “Why me, even?” Younghyun asked. “Why not… I don’t know, bring your best friend or something? Wonpil, was it?” Yes, why not Wonpil? Wonpil seemed to be the closest to Jae, if what he’d speculated from what Jae said was accurate. On the other hand, Younghyun was a stranger, just a classmate that Jae shouldn’t even have noticed in the first place.

 

“But I want  _ you _ —”

 

“— _ no _ , I don’t—”

 

“—to come with me!” Jae leaned in, tilted his head to the side as his lips curved downwards. Younghyun hadn’t noticed this before, but Jae’s lips were plump, and it almost looked like he had a natural pout going for him even when he didn’t intend to do that. “Please? I just—ah well, I want to talk to you about something.”

 

_ Ah. _ Younghyun immediately knew what that was. There was only one thing that the two of them knew, something that he wasn’t supposed to know but found out about it anyway. But what about it did they have to talk about? Didn’t they both agree that he’d just keep it a secret? And wouldn’t Jae suddenly talking to Younghyun out of nowhere bring more attention to the both of them?

 

“Alright, fine,” Younghyun said, his tone one of surrender. “I get it. I’ll go.”

 

Jae cheered. Younghyun groaned internally. “That’s a promise, ‘kay? Don’t you dare stand me up later!” Jae pushed himself up, didn’t even wait for the other’s answer as he left, walked toward his own group of friends. Like before, Younghyun’s eyes trailed after Jae’s figure. A group of students naturally flocked around Jae — like moths to flame if Younghyun were to describe more easily — and part of that group was Kim Wonpil. Younghyun blinked in surprise when he realized that Wonpil was looking directly at him.

 

And not with a friendly expression either.

 

“So you and Jae, huh?” A voice behind Younghyun said. Younghyun simply leaned back into the wall, and looked at his classmate with a slight tilt of his head. Yoon Dowoon. Younghyun had never talked to this boy before, but they’d been together for three straight years that it’d be weirder for Younghyun not to know who Dowoon was. So then, what did that make of Jae?

 

A weirdo. 

 

An absolute fucking weirdo.

 

“What about us?” Younghyun said.

 

“Are you two dating?”

 

Younghyun’s answer came more quickly than it should have. “No. Why would you think that?” What, pray tell, was it that could have given others the idea that he and Jae were dating?

 

“Really?” Dowoon had the audacity to be surprised. “I see… I didn’t believe that either, but… are you friends?”

 

“No,” was Younghyun’s quick answer.

 

“Why would he ask you after school, then?”

 

Before Younghyun could even say something in response, another one spoke from their side. “Now that’s enough questioning, Dowoon.”

 

Younghyun turned his head from Dowoon, and shifted in his seat a little to take a better look at the newcomer. Clad in what wasn’t normally classified as the  _ proper _ uniform (with a loosely tied tie, open buttons by the top of his shirt, and  _ earrings _ ), the class president stood with a collection of papers in his hand, and placed one on top of Dowoon’s desk.

 

“Sungjin,” Dowoon said, before he glanced at the paper in front of him. “You’re curious too, aren’t you?”

 

There was a pause before Sungjin spoke again, and Younghyun averted his gaze, decided that he couldn’t be bothered with this any longer. He turned back to the front and leaned against the chair, an arm sliding behind.

 

“Sure I am,” Sungjin replied and walked toward Younghyun’s seat, smoothly placing another piece of paper on the latter’s desk. Younghyun could feel Sungjin’s eyes on him, but as always, he did what he was best at: he ignored it. “But if Younghyun doesn’t want to say anything, then it’s not good to pry, is it?”

 

Younghyun fought the urge to clench his fist, and instead forced his attention onto the paper, as if he was trying to read what was in it.

 

Dowoon hummed thoughtfully. “I guess you’re right, Sungjin. I’ll… try not to ask anymore.” He made a sound of realization. “No promises though.”

 

Sungjin only hummed in acknowledgement. “I expect those papers to be passed by the end of this week.” And with that, Sungjin walked away, placing a paper on each desk he passed by. Younghyun’s shoulders only relaxed then, and he rested against his chair, one hand moving up to his desk to tap his finger against the surface.

 

“But Younghyun—” Younghyun thought Dowoon was finished already, but  _ no _ “—are you sure you and Jae are not friends?”

 

An exasperated sigh left Younghyun’s lips, and his eyes fluttered close. “We are  _ not. _ ”

 

“But then why would he ask you after school?”

 

Dowoon asked too many questions. Younghyun simply sighed, and shrugged his shoulders, before he turned to face the front, pushing the chair Jae used back to its seat, and he leaned down, face on his arms when he closed his eyes. “Who knows?”

 

-

 

Younghyun could feel the eyes of his classmates on him. He wasn’t a stranger to being stared at — girls seemed to dig the bad boy trope these days — but he didn’t like how their thoughts were a little too loud for his liking. What ran through their minds probably went like this:  _ What’s our precious Jae doing with that Younghyun Kang? _ At this point of time, Younghyun was already expecting Jae to know his name. His friends would most likely have told Jae a lot about Younghyun, about his reputation and personality. Truthfully, he didn’t really care about what Jae would think about him. Maybe knowing a bit more about Younghyun was going to push him away.

 

Of course, that hope was crushed under the (incredibly light) weight of Jaehyung Park when he went to Younghyun’s desk as soon as the last class was finished. Younghyun had been hoping that he could escape Jae, but obviously, that wouldn’t be the case here, especially when the both of them were in the same class. 

 

Jae, like always, had a smile on his face. Come to think of it, had others seen a time where Jae hadn’t smiled as much as he did today? Perhaps Wonpil did. It was usually always the best friends who saw that, unless Jae’s walls were too high and that he was great at hiding his pain. Actually, maybe he  _ was _ . If Jae’s pancreatic cancer was something that he’d been diagnosed with when he was younger, he did a good job at hiding it from his friends.

 

“Ready to go?” Jae asked.

 

“Do I have a choice?” Younghyun replied, standing up from his seat and taking his bag from the side of his desk.

 

Jae huffed. “Nope! Let’s go! I’m craving some good coffee!”

 

Younghyun decided that ignoring the stares of their classmates would be better than entertaining any sorts of questions that he was sure were going to come at him. He was about to move from his chair, when the other suddenly grabbed his wrist and began pulling him toward the door. 

 

“You’re too slow!”

 

Younghyun could only sigh.

 

-

 

The cafe that Jae had chosen was cozy, with a warm atmosphere and colors that suited the aesthetic it was going for. In a way, it suited Jae, and that thought gave way to a (slightly) softened expression on Younghyun’s face. Fortunately, it was empty when they came — he absolutely wouldn’t be able to handle it if there were too many people around when he already had to put up with Jae’s noisy self. 

 

They chose the table by the large glass window beside the entrance, sat on high stools that didn’t seem too high with Jae’s height. With their cups of coffee settled near them, Jae’s journal was open in between them, to a page where words were listed. Jae tapped his pen against it, and Younghyun noticed a soft rhythm to it. It wasn’t easy to miss, but it sounded rather familiar.

 

He didn’t dwell on it any longer and took another sip from his coffee. When he placed his cup down, he turned his gaze to the window, watching as people passed by the cafe, not even giving him a second glance. “Spill it.”

 

“Spill what?” Jae sounded surprised. Younghyun looked at him through the corners of his eyes.

 

“Why did you call me out here?” Surely, Jae wouldn’t ask him out for just a simple coffee hang out, would he? If Jae was dying, then he was better off spending his remaining time with his closest people, people who actually cared for him, rather than someone who was supposed to be just a classmate.

 

“Oh, right!” Jae pushed his notebook closer to Younghyun, its open pages effectively drawing the latter’s attention. “I made a list of things I want to do—uh, a bucket list, basically!”

 

“And why exactly are you telling  _ me _ this?” Younghyun raised an eyebrow and lifted his coffee to his lips. The warmth felt refreshing against his cold brims, and he couldn’t help the soft exhale. 

 

“Simple. Because I want you to do all of these with me.”

 

Younghyun  _ almost _ choked. Almost. That didn’t mean it didn’t mess his throat even the slightest bit, though. He coughed softly, placing his cup down as he held up a fist to his mouth. Then he turned to glare at Jae, who was only looking at him with a smile once again. Did this man  _ ever _ not smile? For at least three seconds? Just have a poker face and everything? Seriously. Jae’s face muscles had  _ got _ to hurt from all the smiling he did for one lifetime.

 

“You okay?” Jae’s  _ audacity _ to even ask—

 

“Why me?” It seemed like most of his questions for the past two days consisted of him asking that one thing. Yes. Why him? It wasn’t only directed at Jae, who probably had the dumbest reasons to choose him. Younghyun was asking fate, because why did he  _ even choose to pick that damn book. _

 

Jae leaned his chin above his palm, while his pen tapped lightly onto the pages once again. “First of all, you’re the only one who knows about my sickness who can be normal with it.”  _ Is that my fault, _ Younghyun wanted to ask, but it felt like a rude statement, so he bit his tongue. “Second of all, I can’t just suddenly tell Wonpil to  _ ‘hey! Do this with me because I want to cross it off my bucket list!’ _ That’ll ruin the purpose of me hiding it from them in the first place!”

 

“Why the hell are you even so adamant with hiding it?” Younghyun asked. He didn’t understand it. Maybe it was because he didn’t experience what Jae was going through, or because he didn’t know Jae enough to read the thoughts behind the latter’s actions. Sure, no one wanted to publicly announce that they were dying, but surely, they’d tell their closest friends about something so…  _ literally _ life changing?

 

He’d asked this before, but he honestly wanted an answer before he did  _ anything _ .

 

Jae blinked, then his jolly expression dropped in the next instant. The look was almost foreign on his face. That was probably because Younghyun had gotten used to seeing Jae smile so much in the whole span of their two days of actually talking, that seeing him  _ without _ it felt weird. 

 

“There isn’t really a complicated answer for that,” Jae answered. Younghyun remembered Jae’s words from when he asked it for the first time. Jae’s gaze turned to the book, aimlessly staring at the words written. “But… how do I even explain this?”

 

Seeing Jae so serious was something that felt foreign to Younghyun, though he couldn’t do much about it, as he was the one who’d asked. 

 

“My family, who knows about it, doesn’t act…  _ normal _ around me anymore,” Jae continued on, voice dropping into a lower volume. “It’s like they’re treating me as this one—one  _ delicate _ person, like I’d break if they handled me the wrong way. With them treating me like that, it’s just…  _ frustrating _ . There’s no normalcy at home, and it’s honestly too suffocating. I love them, and I understand that they’re worried but...”

 

It was something that Younghyun sympathized with, albeit just slightly.

 

“And with my friends… I can’t really be honest with them, even if I’m the one who decided that hiding it from them was a good idea.” Jae started drawing small doodles in the corners of his notebook. “Unlike my family, they’re normal around me. I need that kind of break, but I just—just can’t be honest with them—about this, about  _ everything _ , because then they’ll worry about me like my family does and I wouldn’t feel normal anymore.”

 

Jae then turned his attention to Younghyun, eyes exhibiting a sort of emotion that made Jae’s pupils shine. It didn’t let Younghyun avert his gaze. “But with you…” Jae exhaled softly. “You don’t care that much about it. That’s not supposed to be good, but… because of it, I can feel a hint of normalcy. I can be completely honest with you and you won’t act anything out of ordinary. It’s why I like hanging out with you, and I’d  _ like _ to hang out more with you.”

 

Younghyun didn’t know how to reply to that. It wasn’t every day he heard someone liked hanging out with him. Heck, he didn’t even _have_ someone to tell him that. It wasn’t news to anyone that he didn’t have friends, and he wasn’t sad about it either. It was he himself who chose to isolate himself from the class. He’d rather not deal with anyone else’s thoughts about him. That would be another hassle — and he didn’t want to deal with that hassle.

 

“Is that so,” was his smart reply, and this time, he averted his gaze, eyes falling onto the cup of coffee in his hand. He hadn’t exactly worked out what he felt about the whole setup, but he’d never been good at dealing with emotions before. 

 

Jae hummed as he nodded. “And that’s exactly why  _ you’re _ going to do all of these things in my bucket list! There’s no one else I can do this with so…” He leaned toward Younghyun, the latter’s eyes naturally drawn to the sudden decrease in their distance. 

 

“Please?” Jae said, eyes shining with hope that Younghyun wouldn’t refuse. “Just… give me this, before I die.”

 

Jae was asking for too much from someone who he barely knew. How much faith did he have in the possibility of Younghyun not getting attached to him before he died? Younghyun wouldn’t claim he understood the intentions behind Jae’s actions. Maybe Jae simply wanted someone to be his company, a refuge from the reality of his situation, but not really hiding from it. Or maybe he wanted someone to walk with him until the end, no matter how selfish it would have felt like from his side. 

 

Younghyun had the option to say no; he was aware of that. It was his chance of going away, and he had no doubts that Jae wouldn’t chase after him if he walked away this one time. This was his chance of ridding himself of one annoyance in his life — but why couldn’t he find it in himself to say no? 

 

There was something in the way Jae looked at him that rendered him speechless for that moment, unable to say what he knew he should have said at that time. Was this Jae’s secret to getting what he wanted? Jae had this look that Younghyun simply  _ couldn’t  _ say no to, and to be frank, it was  _ annoying _ . 

 

“Fuck,” Younghyun cursed under his breath and he ran his palm over his face. “Fine—fine, I’ll just grant a dying man’s wishes just this once, okay?”

 

Jae’s eyes  _ shined _ — _ literally shined _ like Younghyun’s answer made his day. Jae cheered, leaning back with his hands in the air. Younghyun could only look at the other in disbelief. Did him saying yes make Jae  _ that _ happy? He didn’t think he’d seen someone be this happy because of Younghyun (but then again, it wasn’t like he had people to tell him that). 

 

“You’re the best, Bri!”  _ Bri? _

 

Jae moved his stool closer to Younghyun’s, and pushed his journal in front of Younghyun. This time, Younghyun could see what Jae had written down in his bucket list. And  _ damn _ were there a lot, messily listed down in unorganized and uneven bullet points. Younghyun groaned internally. With Jae’s stubbornness and innate persistence at basically  _ everything _ , that meant that Jae would want to finish all of these before he died, and Jae would pull Younghyun along through everything. 

 

Yet none of these complaints went past Younghyun’s lips as Jae started to talk, like an excited child about to get his wish from his parents. It was a sight that slightly tugged at Younghyun’s heartstrings, though he’d make sure he would never say that out loud. Instead, he only listened as Jae rambled away, taking occasional sips from his coffee as he watched Jae’s expressions match with everything he said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's the second chapter! the pace of this whole fic will be a bit slow,,, hope you enjoyed it tho! if you liked it, do leave a comment or a kudos! uwu


	3. playing games

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaecken meets Bribri.

Younghyun realized, as he walked after Jae’s tall figure, that his afterschool times weren’t just his anymore. The times he had spent either reading books he had picked up from the library or creating rhythms wouldn’t come back after quite a while now, it seemed. 

 

Jae had decided that they started as soon as they could — which obviously meant the day after Jae presented his bucket list in all its glory to Younghyun. So here they were, walking under the pink shower of spring, with Jae walking a few steps ahead of the other lad. Looking at Jae’s back felt… weird. It had been a long time since Younghyun last went home with someone—he didn’t even know if he actually had that experience or if this was simply him trying to convince himself that he wasn’t  _ too _ lonely.

 

“Say, Brian,” Jae called, and immediately, Younghyun’s attention moved up. Jae didn’t turn to look at him. Younghyun hummed as a reply. “Why don’t you talk more with our classmates?” 

 

Younghyun’s eyebrows shot up in surprise at the question, but his expression quickly shifted into his usual, passive one. “No reason. I just don’t want to deal with all of them, is all.” It was the same answer he’d given his mother years ago, back when they were still desperate on making their son more…  _ normal _ , according to them.

 

“Why not? Don’t you want to have friends?” Jae asked. He turned to look over his shoulder, gazing at Younghyun with unmasked curiosity. “It’s not like they’re blatantly ignoring you — it feels like you’re… pushing them away?”

 

Younghyun inhaled sharply. “I don’t want to deal with that kind of hassle.”

 

A hassle—that was what friendship was to him. Call it a bad habit of his or something along that line, but as he observed people quietly, in his own little space, his brain gave him ideas of what his peers could have possibly thought of him. It was easy to figure out, honestly. With his reputation and image in the school, it was no doubt that they thought of him as trouble. Not like that they were wrong either. 

 

If a person who’d sent people to the hospital before didn’t scream trouble, ah well, he didn’t know what else  _ could _ . 

 

“Really? It’ll make your life fun though! I mean,  _ more _ , if you’re already having fun with your current lifestyle.” Jae slowed down to Younghyun’s pace. “Not that I’m judging, but I personally think a friend or two is necessary!” 

 

Younghyun’s eyes closed as yet again another sigh escaped his lips. “Mind your own business.” He didn’t want to have this kind of talk right there and then.

 

Jae huffed, before he smiled. “I see,” he said, and he faced forward. His eyes then lit up. “Oh, we’re here, Bri! Let’s go!” His hand wrapped around Younghyun’s wrist, causing Younghyun to look up at him, quite surprised at the sudden rise in tone. Without missing a beat, Jae began to pull Younghyun toward the arcade center by the end of the street, with a pace that forced the latter to jog after Jae’s back.

 

Younghyun could only sigh in defeat.

 

After school time meant free time for a majority of students, and it wouldn’t be strange to see some of them hanging out in arcade centers. With that said, the arcade was still quite empty, with only a couple of other people in it. Younghyun supposed this was a good thing — Jae seemed like the type who would want to try every  _ single _ thing.

 

And Younghyun wasn’t wrong.

 

He wasn’t sure where Jae had gotten his money to buy all the tokens they had right then, but Jae came back to him with his hands (which were rather big, he supposed he should note) full of it. Younghyun was slightly impressed with how well Jae managed to place all that in his hands. Jae looked at Younghyun with his usual smile, and by this point, Younghyun was already getting used to it.

 

The first game Jae chose was the fighting game. Younghyun stared at the screen with a blank expression, its LED lights reflecting on his dark pupils. Jae had to push him down to sit, but Younghyun could only think of how long it had been since he’d been to an arcade center; how long it had been since he last played this with someone else. Faint voices and blurry faces occupied his mind until he felt a hand on his shoulder, causing him to almost jump out of his skin, and he turned to look at his side. Jae looked at him with an eyebrow raised.

 

“You okay, bro?”

 

Younghyun blinked, before he moved his attention back to the screen. “Yeah,” he replied. “Just zoned out for a bit.”

 

Jae let out a sound that seemed like a chuckle of arrogance. “Oho! Maybe you’re just scared of my gaming skills that you’re thinking of ways to escape this one?” He tilted his chin up, a smug smile on his lips. “Unfortunately for you, mister Brian Kang—”  _ How does this boy know that name but  _ still _ not my Korean name? _ “—you can’t escape! So fight me like a man, Bribri!”

 

Younghyun’s eye twitched. “You’re on,” he said. “I bet I’d kick your ass easy.” 

 

“You overestimate yourself, Bri!  _ I’m _ the one who’s gonna kick your ass!”

 

Jae was  _ absolutely _ and  _ horrifyingly _ bad at fighting games, Younghyun discovered. Jae would claim that it was because  _ “you’re just too good at this! What were those hand moves, Bri?” _ , which ended up with Jae saying  _ “you must be pretty darn good with your hands.” _ Younghyun had hit him in the back of his head for that remark.

 

Jae’s laugh at that moment was incredible. Younghyun almost smiled. Almost.

 

The next game they decided to try was the basketball game. Jae, to Younghyun’s surprise, was fairly decent at shooting. He had almost beaten Younghyun for one round ( _ by three points _ , Jae would push, and Younghyun would say,  _  still three points more, _ even though that basically meant that Younghyun won by one more shot). 

 

“You play basketball?” Younghyun couldn’t help but ask. This was probably one of the rare times where  _ he  _ was the one asking, not the other way around. 

 

Jae smiled before nodding. “Yeah, for a bit. I’m better at badminton though,” he answered. 

 

“I didn’t think you were the athletic type.” Jae was too lanky, too tall, and he felt more like a  _ home _ person, rather than one who went out often. 

 

“Not many do,” Jae agreed with a slight nod of the head. “Not that I can blame them — I don’t really play as much as I used to, and I don’t look like it, do I?” Younghyun shook his head, and Jae laughed. “Oh well! It’s not like I can play much, even if I wanted to.”

 

Younghyun decided not to comment on the underlying thoughts behind Jae’s words. He wasn’t much of an asshole to ruin this day by reminding themselves again and again of how Jae was going to die soon—

 

_ Stop, _ he chided himself. He shouldn’t ruin this with such thoughts.

 

“Bribri, let’s go play that one!” Younghyun hadn’t even gotten the chance to look at where Jae was pointing at, as Jae had already already grabbed him by the arm, and began dragging him to yet again another arcade game. Younghyun let out a sigh, and let himself be pulled away, acknowledging his defeat for the nth time for the past half an hour.

 

Hours later — Younghyun had already lost count — the two of them had already played most of what there was available. Jae was seated by Younghyun’s side, legs spread forward as he leaned back lazily, head against the wall behind the bench. Younghyun felt pretty tired himself, but not enough to knock him out for the night. His heart was beating fast, a case of excitement that was beginning to occur rarely in his life.

 

He seemed to have forgotten what this was.

 

Jae, on the other hand, was almost completely breathless, panting loudly through his mouth. When Younghyun glanced at the other, he was unsurprised to see a smile on the latter’s face, having grown used to it by then. 

 

“Man, that was fun!” 

 

Younghyun exhaled sharply through his nose. Right, this was called having fun.

 

How could he have forgotten?

 

When he turned his attention back to Jae, Jae had leaned forward and was looking at him with an expression Younghyun hadn’t seen on his face before. His own eyes widened slightly, before he averted his gaze, unable to find it in himself to maintain eye contact. For what reason, he didn’t know.

 

“Did you have fun?” Jae asked. 

 

“... That was okay, I guess,” Younghyun replied after a few moments of silence. Somehow, that felt…  _ weird _ to admit, especially since it felt unfamiliar. He still didn’t look at Jae, even as he heard the other nod with a hum, and the other leaned back. 

 

“I see,” Jae said. “That’s good then! I was kind of afraid that you wouldn’t have fun, since you didn’t seem to be the type of person who’d go out often—guess I was wrong, huh?”

 

Younghyun knew the other was grinning, and he scowled, just because he didn’t want to give Jae the satisfaction of him smiling as well. 

 

“I’ve always wanted to play to my heart’s content in an arcade,” Jae admitted. “My parents didn’t actually let me out often back when I was younger, y’know? And I didn’t try to go after school since that’ll make them worry about me, which is the last thing I want to do. That’ll just make them stricter, you feel me?”

 

Yeah, kind of. Younghyun could see where Jae was coming from, though his own parents had stopped being strict with him, and more or less had forgotten about him as time passed by. Or not really  _ forgotten, _ but  _ ignored-as-much-as-possible _ was more accurate. That didn’t make it any better, he was aware of that, thank you very much.

 

“But well… since I’m already in high school, and  _ you know _ ,” Jae continued on, putting emphasis on the last two words, “I really want to finish my bucket list before the end.”

 

Something about the mellow tone Jae was using didn’t sit right with Younghyun.

 

“You don’t have to worry about that,” Younghyun found himself saying.  _ Stop _ . “I’ll make sure you finish it.”

 

“Hoh!” Jae breathed out loudly, and he clutched his chest, eyes closed. “That was so cool, I think my heart skipped a beat! If I were a girl, I would have fallen for you already.”

 

“Just stay a boy then,” was Younghyun’s quick reply. “I don’t need you falling for me.”

 

A melodious laugh fell out of Jae’s lips. “I was just joking!” 

 

“You better be,” Younghyun snapped back.

 

“Besides, I’m pan. I swing every way.”

 

Younghyun raised his eyebrows in surprise — why was he even surprised? It sounded very much like Jae.

 

“Is that so.”

 

“Yes, it is so!”

 

Jae only laughed again, before something seemed to have caught his eye again and had him holding onto Younghyun’s arm, shaking him with force that Younghyun certainly didn’t need right then. “Bribri, have you ever won something from claw machines? Like at least once?”

 

Younghyun raised an eyebrow. “No, why?”

 

He regretted asking that, because Jae’s expression told him everything he needed to know (and should’ve known before he even opened his mouth).

 

“Wanna bet?”

 

“No.”

 

But of course, Jae didn’t listen.

 

“Let’s see which of us wins something! They say it’s rigged, right?” Jae stood up, still holding Younghyun’s arm, forcing the latter up. “Who knows, maybe Lady Luck is on my side today!” 

 

_ ‘I wouldn’t count on that if I were you,’ _ Younghyun wanted to say, since Jae had lost majority of the games they played, but he could already hear what Jae was going to reply that, so he decided to keep his mouth shut as he let the taller lad pull him away from the bench, toward the rows of claw machines near them. 

 

There were an array of stuff toys and objects inside each claw machines, still considerably full. Not many wanted to waste their tokens on things they knew were rigged, 98.8% of the time. But Jae wasn’t one of those people, obviously, as they still had quite a few tokens to waste. Oh well—might as well use all of these instead of taking them home. 

 

Jae picked a claw machine, one that was filled with animal stuff toys. Younghyun raised an eyebrow, but then his face relaxed. Jae did seem to be the type to like animals… and be allergic to them at the same time.

 

That sounded sadder than he thought it would be, honestly.

 

“Now let’s see…” Jae muttered as he slid a token inside the machine. The machine whirred to life, and he bit his lower lip, his eyebrows furrowing in concentration. His movements were careful, calculated — as calculated as they seemed inside the machine anyway. Why the hell was he even so serious about it? It was just a stuff toy. Or was this one of those listed in his bucket list?

 

Younghyun watched as the claw moved inside the glass, wandering over the animals. The claw stopped above a fox and a chicken (with glasses), and Jae couldn’t seem to decide which one to choose. Younghyun decided to remain silent, as Jae looked like he was using all of his brain cells to will the claw to grab at least one of those two. Jae pressed a button, and the claw finally moved down, its hands digging onto the chicken that was leaning against the fox one.

 

When the claw moved up, the chicken’s head went through the soft hold of the claws, and Jae uttered a rather loud curse under his breath. Younghyun scoffed, lips curling upwards into a faint of hint of an amused grin. 

 

“Where’s Lady Luck now?” Younghyun asked.

 

Jae only shushed him, and pulled another token from his pocket. Sliding it in once again, he held the joy stick with a yet again determined look on his face. 

 

(Younghyun felt a light tug in his heartstrings, which he would deny for all the days to come.)

 

Five more tokens were wasted, and while Younghyun wasn’t expecting anything in the first place, he was beginning to think that Lady Luck, indeed, was absent from Jae’s side.

 

Sixth try, and Jae still hadn’t lost his determination, apparently. The sound of the coin kissing metal as it fell had become a familiar sound in Younghyun’s ears, and Jae tried once more. He seemed intent on getting that stuffed chicken. Younghyun couldn’t bring himself to tell Jae to stop — the way Jae’s eyes narrowed in concentration, teeth digging into the seemingly soft flesh of his lower lip—

 

Younghyun caught himself.  _ Do not even go there, Kang Younghyun. _

 

He decided to focus on the claw machine, watched the claw hold onto the head of the stuffed chicken that Jae had been trying to get since the start.

 

Due to some sort of miraculous nature, the claw pulled the stuff toy up, out of the sea of others, and as it held it toward the exit, it didn’t fall. Younghyun’s eyes went to Jae, and he exhaled softly through his nose — he could easily tell that Jae was trying to stop his excitement, what with his gleaming eyes and lips that couldn’t stop the smile from forming. He wouldn’t admit it outloud —

 

— but that was a cute sight, he guessed.

 

When the stuffed chicken fell into the bin and they could clearly hear it slide down, Jae let go of the consoles to throw his arms into the air, cheering as he smiled widely. Even Younghyun couldn’t help but feel  _ proud _ , even if it seemed to be only a small thing. Jae acted enthusiastic enough that it felt like it was something bigger than that.

 

But then again, Jae was always like that.

 

“I did it! Told you Lady Luck was on my side today!”

 

Younghyun agreed in his mind.

 

Jae took the toy from the machine, and handed it to Younghyun proudly, a smug grin on his face. The chicken was held out toward Younghyun, and he blinked before he took it in his hands. 

 

“Hoho!” Jae chortled. “Aren’t I just the best, Bribri?”

 

Younghyun had no idea why he held it so carefully, but it felt soft in his hands. He lifted it up, unconsciously putting it in the same level as Jae’s face, and his eyebrows moved up in a sudden realization that seemed to have come out of nowhere.

 

“Jae,” Younghyun called, and Jae hummed in response. “This chicken looks like you.”

 

“I  _ what _ now?”

 

“I said—” Younghyun turned the chicken around so that it faced Jae, “—this chicken looks just like you.”

 

Jae looked  _ scandalized. _ “No, I do  _ not _ .”

 

Younghyun fought the urge to smile. “Yeah, you kinda do.”

 

Jae gasped and he glared playfully at the smaller man, “I  _ don’t _ !”

 

“Look, it even has glasses like yours.”

 

“It does  _ not _ .” But even Jae couldn’t deny that strongly, that the chicken’s glasses did indeed look a little bit too much like his own.

 

Younghyun could only shake his head and he let his arm down, holding the stuff toy by his side. “I’m calling it Jaecken.”

 

Yes. Younghyun’s creativity with names was astounding. Starting from Brian, up until Jaecken.  _ Ah yes _ . His creative juices were overflowing.

 

“That is  _ so _ lame, man!” Jae complained. “I gave you a cool name, and you give me  _ that _ , really?”

 

“I thought you didn’t look like Jaecken?”

 

“I—” Jae halted in his words, realizing his mistake. He made an expression that seemed a little too similar to a pouting face. “ _ Oh, _ shut up,” he said, crossing his arms in front of his chest, before he glared into the claw machine. “I bet you can’t even get one of those like  _ I _ did.”

 

Younghyun raised an eyebrow. “Is that a challenge?”

 

“So what if it is?”

 

Younghyun scoffed. If it was a challenge Jae gave, then it was what he was going to do. 

 

“Step aside then,” Younghyun said, stepping closer to the claw machine. 

 

Jae moved to give him his space, still looking confident. “The floor is all yours.”

 

Hooking the stuff toy in between his arm and torso, Younghyun placed his hands above the joy stick and the buttons, letting his gaze wander inside the machine. There were only a few variation within the animals in there, but he’d heard about how many people who’d seen him compare his eyes to that of a fox’s, and he wondered if Jae felt the same.

 

It didn’t matter, he supposed, because that was what he’d chosen to give Jae as exchange for the Jaecken the other got for him. He liked to believe that he looked calm as he concentrated, tongue in, face passive and all that, but seeing Jae’s face on his peripheral vision told him that he might have looked just as silly as Jae did (which Jae would bring up later on when Younghyun walked him home, because Jae claimed  _ “it’s only right, you know!” _ ). He didn’t voice out any of his thoughts, however, deciding that he’d better get this stuff toy or Jae would go all smug about him not being able to get one.

 

His time going for the stuff toy was quite shorter than Jae’s, and his eyebrows slid up in one moment, before his mien went back to its usual passive expression. The claw grabbed the fox toy by its head, and as it dragged it out of the sea of stuff toys, and the fox fell safely onto the exit. He couldn’t help the hint of a satisfied grin that painted his lips when he took the fox out of the claw machine. 

 

He willed his face to be neutral, and after a few quick seconds, he faced Jae again, handing the stuffed fox toward the other. “Here. Easy as cake, isn’t it?”

 

Jae looked like he didn’t know where to express his being impressed or act like a sore loser. In the end, he took the fox toy in his hands, looking at it rather intently. “I’m calling it Brian.”

 

Younghyun almost choked on air. “Excuse me?”

 

“I said—” Jae turned the fox around so that it faced Younghyun, “—I’m calling it Bribri.”

 

That would be weird. It would be  _ too  _ weird. “And what  _ exactly _ is it that made you want to call it the same name you call me?”

 

“I just realized you have similar eyes with foxes.”

 

“So I’ve been told a lot,” Younghyun replied, unsurprised. He was already expecting that. “But  _ why _ ?” 

 

Jae hummed thoughtfully, and he held the stuff toy to his chest, cradling it with his lanky arms. “Like I said, Bribri looks like you, so I’m calling him Bribri,” he answered, with a smile that felt different from all his previous ones. This one was gentler, felt… more sincere, as his mien softened from a cheerful expression into something that Younghyun thought he was undeserving of.

 

_ Happiness. _ Pure happiness. He didn’t think he’d ever caused someone to be this happy before.

 

Later, when Younghyun had brought Jae home (which was, by the way, on the opposite direction of Younghyun’s home), Jae had smiled once again like  _ that _ — happy, content with that day’s events — and Younghyun would say that was the same as usual, the same smile he’d seen on the other’s face countless of times, but it wasn’t and his heart and mind knew that.

 

“Thank you for coming with me today, Bribri!” Jae had said, still hugging the stuff toy. “Let’s hang out more often in the future too!”

 

Younghyun had walked home with only one thought, one that would have bothered him more if he hadn’t been too tired that night.

 

_ I want to see that smile more often. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> something light-hearted (?) for you all! ♡


	4. half-assed bastard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe Younghyun did something he'd regret in the future, but that didn't matter. All that mattered was the present.

When Younghyun entered the classroom on this  _ fine _ morning on a Thursday, everyone’s stares greeted his figure. Ignorance was bliss — that was what people usually said, wasn’t it? So one shouldn’t blame him if he chose to act as though he didn’t feel their gazes on him. It was easy. His sleepiness could easily be used as an excuse for his ignorance.

 

It wasn’t as though he had to fake being sleepy either. Jae had been dragging his ass out every after school — even during the weekends. Perhaps it was because of the uncertainty of Jae’s remaining days, but they had finished one thing after the other, until they were down to — wait, Younghyun wasn’t even aware of how many were still left of Jae’s bucket list.

 

Well. Jae would probably find new things to add to his bucket list.

 

Younghyun sat on his seat, letting his bag touch the floor lazily in between his legs, and he leaned against his chair. A yawn softly escaped his lips, and he covered his mouth with the back of his palm. He wanted more sleep, goddamnit. He didn’t even notice how late he had to go home to follow Jae’s whims, but a promise was a promise, he supposed.

 

Did he even promise that he’d accompany Jae through his bucket list?

 

Maybe he did. Maybe he didn’t. That probably didn’t matter now anyway.

 

“Are you sure you and Jae aren’t dating?” Dowoon suddenly spoke from behind Younghyun. Younghyun sighed.

 

“Like I said, we’re  _ not _ ,” he replied, not even bothering to turn around to face the other. He was getting a little tired of all these questions, all of which were just the same anyway.

 

“Friends?”

 

Younghyun let a few moments linger, before he decided, “No.”

 

“No?” Dowoon sounded surprised. “You’re not dating, and you’re not friends, but you still hang out together after school?”

 

Okay. Maybe that was  _ a little _ weird. He hadn’t even thought about what the two of them were. Were they friends simply because they hanged out together? Or did there have to something that would solidify whatever the two of them had? If he asked Jae, what would the taller lad say? He could almost hear Jae speak in his mind, even when the other still wasn’t present yet, and Younghyun wasn’t sure what to feel about the answer his brain gave him.

 

“You’re weird, Younghyun.” Younghyun might have to agree, but he’d say it was Jae that was weird, not him. “Everyone’s curious about you two.”

 

At this, Younghyun raised an eyebrow. “Why?” Then he realized that probably sounded stupid. The answer should have been pretty obvious to him by then.

 

“Well, no one’s really seen you hang out with anyone else, and Jae’s been spending too much time with you even Wonpil is jealous.”

 

(If Younghyun hadn’t been a little too sleepy that morning, he might have noticed the aforementioned boy flinching at the side.)

 

Younghyun didn’t even question why Wonpil would feel jealous of  _ him _ , of all people to be jealous about. He briefly contemplated telling Wonpil about the truth, just to soothe the soul of a (worried) best friend, but he remembered Jae’s words, his expression, and he dropped the idea almost as quickly as it came.

 

“So,” Dowoon continued, “I just wanna know what’s the real deal between you two.”

 

“Nothing,” Younghyun answered, closing his eyes and he crossed his arms above the table, his back bending forward. “Really.” It came out as a whisper, as he leaned his forehead against on his arms. “There’s nothing.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Yeah.” It was probably better this way. “I’m sure.”

 

-

 

There was something odd about this late afternoon, when Younghyun was eating in the rooftop like always — where he was usually alone, because people were apparently too lazy to climb up four flights of stairs to reach this place — and  _ Jae _ was eating with him. Younghyun had gotten a little too used to eating alone, especially after he’d pushed the only person was (willingly?) trying to befriend him.

 

Jae held a sandwich in his hand, munching on it with an unusual furrow in his eyebrows. Younghyun bit onto the straw in between his teeth, as he watched the small changes in Jae’s face, whose expression seemed to become sourer and sourer as seconds passed by. Younghyun couldn’t help but furrow his own eyebrows, and he heaved a sigh before he placed his juice down and leaned back onto the walls. 

 

“You know, they say that sighing takes a bit of happiness away?”

 

“Sorry, sorry.”

 

“I don’t particularly care if you lose happiness or something. Just do it somewhere not in front of me.”

 

“That’s… You’re so heartless, man!”

 

“Alright, so—” Younghyun closed his eyes “—what’s the matter?”

 

Shadows were casted upon their figures as the clouds flew above them, a breeze lightly caressing their skin. Younghyun thought it was a good day to skip classes and sleep, but he doubted Jae would want to do that. Despite the other’s rather carefree personality, Jae was quite the diligent student.

 

Maybe.

 

“A band I really like is going to have a concert here in Korea… But I can’t buy the ticket!” Jae said, letting out yet again another big sigh as he leaned back as well, arm almost brushing with Younghyun’s. Younghyun was half-expecting for Jae to lean against him. 

 

“Is that so,” Younghyun only uttered in reply, opening his eyes.

 

“Dude, this is  _ literally _ a once in a lifetime opportunity for me, you know? If I die before I get to see them live, I would forever haunt this earth and their concerts!” 

 

Younghyun supposed Jae had a point. “Why don’t you buy yourself a ticket then?” he asked before he could think twice on the question.

 

Jae sighed once more.  “I can’t… most of our finances go to my hospital bills.” He lifted a hand to his chin, a finger tucked under his lower lip. “Damn, I knew I shouldn’t have bought that new guitar.”

 

At this, Younghyun’s eyebrow quirked up. “You play the guitar?” he asked, turning his head to look at the other. 

 

“You didn’t know?” Younghyun shook his head. “I thought everyone did… I play the guitar a lot during our festivals, you know?” 

 

Younghyun could only vaguely remember said festivals. It wasn’t as if he was present for all the festivals they’d celebrated in the whole of high school. And even if he was actually in school, he would normally be found in secluded places. Not that there would be anyone looking for him.

 

(Maybe there used to be someone, but Younghyun had long pushed this person away.)

 

Jae pushed his glasses up his nose, exhaling. He pulled his knees toward him, resting an elbow above one and pressing his cheek against his palm. “But yeah, that’s right. I play the guitar. I started playing when I was still in grade school.”

 

That made the two of them then. Younghyun could play the guitar and piano. These two instruments were the only things he trusted the most in his life, and they were the ones that kept him company over the years. When his father had decided to yell at his wife and the wife had decided to yell just as loud, Younghyun had only closed the doors of his bedroom, trying to drown out as much noise as he could with the help of strings and keys. When his older brother almost gave up on the world, Younghyun had sung, filled the place with his own voice accompanied by a single instrument.

 

He exhaled at his thoughts. It wasn’t good to remember all these right then.

 

“I sing too! I’m not  _ that _ confident, but I can sing,” Jae continued on. “I sang during competitions too, you know, in school and sometimes outside too.”

 

Younghyun should have found it weird that he still hadn’t heard of Jae singing even in the three years they’d apparently been classmates. Or maybe he was simply that detached with the reality that was happening around him? After all, he only had one friend in his life — the only one he trusted the most, and Younghyun’s world basically revolved around them.

 

No, it wasn’t exactly  _ love _ love, but he supposed that was love too, in a way.

 

“You must have a good voice then,” Younghyun commented, and now that he himself mentioned it, Jae did, in fact, have a… good voice. Whenever Jae would talk, it always felt nice to listen. No wonder everyone else seemed as though they were listening intently to everything he said. 

 

“I do?”

 

Younghyun supposed it was in the way Jae dropped each word he spoke as if he truly meant it, enjoyed it, and it might also be in the way Jae’s eyes lit up with enthusiasm whenever he talked. The way Jae’s face held the most expressive looks Younghyun had ever seen in someone, that even the slightest change in his face would still be too obvious, too honest. The way Jae’s hands never seemed to know where to place themselves so they moved all over the place with each story, each part of the things that fell out of his lips.

 

Younghyun didn’t voice any of that, however. “Yeah,” was what he said. “You do.”

 

Jae was quiet for the next few moments. Had Younghyun said something wrong? When Younghyun turned his head to look at the other, he was greeted by a dumbfounded expression on Jae’s mien. But before Younghyun could comment on it, Jae seemed to have recovered himself and he grinned, leaning against the smaller man.

 

“Do you want me to sing for you then?”

 

_ Yes. _ “No, but why not?”

 

Jae huffed, and he rested his head against the wall. “You know you can be honest sometimes, yeah?” Younghyun decided not to reply, and it seemed that Jae didn’t really need an answer anyway. Jae closed his eyes, parted his lips, and a melodious sound echoed from his mouth, filling the silent air. His voice was soft and velvety, easy on the ears and calming.

 

Younghyun couldn’t help but stare — didn’t even realize that he was, because as Jae sang, Younghyun’s eyes were drawn to him. The sincere and genuine love for what Jae was doing. Even if it wasn’t accompanied by any instruments… Jae’s voice—listening to him was already music.

 

And Younghyun thought he was beautiful.  _ Too beautiful. _

 

Younghyun let himself relax against the taller male, let himself get lost in the music that filled his ears. It was calming, a wave of serenity that crashed over his mind and heart. For the first time, he felt… at peace. As if he could lower his guard, as if he didn’t have to  _ act _ . 

 

Before he knew it, his eyes were already closing, his sleepiness catching up to him as his head slid to the side, temple resting against Jae’s bony shoulder. Somehow, Younghyun didn’t mind, and Jae probably didn’t too, because the taller didn’t do anything to push him away. Younghyun only had one thought in his mind as he drifted off to sleep:  _ Jae is so warm. _

 

(Younghyun didn’t catch the gentleness of Jae’s smile when Jae looked at him right after.)

 

\--

 

As Younghyun looked at Jae’s eyes that lit up with genuine joy, Younghyun tried to convince himself that he did the right thing. The weekend had gone quite fast, and somehow it ended with him holding two concert tickets in his hands, thinking back to Jae’s sad face days prior. Was this something one would do for someone else? Buy them a ticket for free? A VIP ticket at that? 

 

“Is it really for free? Are you sure, Brian?” Jae asked, not even letting his eyes off of the ticket. The unmistakable smile on Jae’s face told Younghyun that it was worth it —  _ should _ be worth it. It was Jae, after all.

 

“Yeah, yeah,” Younghyun answered, waving a hand dismissively. A breeze flew by them, and it almost took the ticket from Jae’s fingers, had the latter not tightened his grip on it. “Be careful. I’m not buying you a new one.” 

 

He could buy Jae a new one, of course, but he wouldn’t. Even if he had money to spare, Jae had to learn to be more careful. Free things didn’t come that often, sadly, and this was already a rare moment where Younghyun was feeling rather generous (even if he was aware that this wasn’t just being generous).

 

Jae smiled widely, and Younghyun averted his gaze. “Yes! Thank you, Bri!” he said, and hid the ticket inside his wallet. “I feel like I have to pay you though… Where’d you even get the money to buy an extra ticket?”

 

It wasn’t that hard to get that money. Younghyun’s family was… on the richer side of the spectrum, he supposed. His father wouldn’t even care how much Younghyun seemed to have spent. His father probably just shitted it out anyway. But Jae didn’t need to know that part of his life.

 

“Who knows,” was his rather vague answer. “Accept it. If you don’t want that, I can always give it to someone who wants it.”

 

“No!” Jae placed a hand protectively over the pocket of his pants, taking a small step back. “I mean, uh,  _ no. _ I want it, of course. It’s not everyday I get free VIP tickets, you know.”

 

“Good,” Younghyun said, before he turned his back on the other, opening the door back inside the school building. “Make sure not to lose it. Tickets run out pretty fucking fast, after all.”

 

“I know. Thank you for this, Bri. I mean it.” Younghyun didn’t have to turn around to see that Jae was smiling. Somewhere along the time they’d spent together, Younghyun had developed the (still improving) ability to know how Jae would react, what he’d say, and Younghyun didn’t know whether that was a good thing or not.

 

“Yeah,” Younghyun simply said. “You’re welcome.”

 

“Ah,” Jae suddenly said as Younghyun took a step forward, causing the latter to stop in his tracks. “But why would you buy me this? Wasn’t it too expensive?”

 

Younghyun didn’t know what to say to that. Why did he do that, really? He could say anything — he knew that. Jae would take it, wouldn’t ask for any more reason, but somehow, Younghyun could only scratch his nape, making sure that his face was facing the opposite direction where Jae was, as he could feel warmth slowly spreading across his face.

 

“You looked too sad,” he mumbled and then he added, as an attempt to save himself, “and pitiful.”

 

A few seconds of silence, before an arm was thrown around his shoulders, causing him to gasp in surprise. When he looked to the side, Jae was grinning at him — too widely for Younghyun’s liking, but Younghyun’s heart  _ skipped a beat _ and it had him dumbfounded.

 

“Just say that you wanted to help a friend, Bri!” Jae said cheerily. “It’s not bad to be honest every once in a while, you know?”

 

Younghyun blinked, and he turned forward again. “Shut up or I’ll take that ticket back.”

 

“Hey! Now that’s just unfair!”

 

Younghyun couldn’t help but smile faintly. He hoped Jae didn’t catch it.

 

(Jae did.)

 

\--

 

A hand was slammed upon the smooth surface of Younghyun’s desk, and Younghyun looked up, only to be greeted by a scowling Wonpil, expression rather dark compared to the latter’s bright and pleasant mien on a daily basis. Younghyun only raised an eyebrow.

 

“What do you want?” he asked calmly.

 

“Come with me,” Wonpil said, his eyes narrowing at the other. “We need to talk.”

 

_ Why? _ Younghyun wanted to ask, but he didn’t. It wasn’t hard to figure out that this had something to do with Jae. It was the only common thing they had in the first place. Speaking of Jae… Younghyun quickly eyed his surroundings. Like he thought, the tall, lanky male wasn’t present. 

 

A sigh escaped his lips, and he stood up. “Okay,” he said, eyes flickering to meet Wonpil’s. “Where do you want to talk?”

 

Wonpil blinked, seemingly surprised that Younghyun agreed to it so easily without asking much about the smaller’s intentions. “W-What…”

 

“What? I thought you wanted to talk?” Younghyun was unaffected, and had only wanted to get this over with. Whatever could Wonpil want to talk about? What  _ exactly _ about Jae was it that they needed to talk about? 

 

Wonpil seemed to have regained his composure then, before he raised a hand to his lips, coughing onto it. “Follow me then. I want privacy.”

 

Younghyun followed the smaller boy into a more secluded area of the school building. It wasn’t the rooftop this time (and frankly, he was glad for that, because what if Jae walked in on them talking about  _ him? _ ), but rather in a staircase just outside, serving as an emergency exit for the people inside. A good place to talk about anything, he noted, but at the same time not. What if people from below or inside heard them?

 

He hoped Wonpil wouldn’t talk too loudly. 

 

Wonpil closed the door then, and Younghyun was by the other side of the small platform they stood upon. A little bit to the latter’s side was the stairs that led down. He made a mental note not to accidentally step toward that direction. He didn’t want to go back to the hospital for something like this kind of an accident.

 

“What’s your deal?” Wonpil suddenly asked, standing a good distance (as far as he possibly could be from Younghyun). “Why do you keep hanging around Jae?”

 

Was this simple jealousy? Was this a boy being cautious for his best friend’s wellbeing? Younghyun wasn’t exactly sure, couldn’t pinpoint what exactly it was that Wonpil had felt right then. Well, he’d never been good with trying to understand others in the first place. It was one of the reasons why he’d chosen to stray away from ‘friends.’

 

“No reason, really,” Younghyun answered smoothly, eyes fluttering closed. “It’s Jae who keeps hanging around me.”

 

Now that wasn’t a lie. He had tried numerous times to push Jae away, but Jae was simply…  _ too stubborn _ , that he had no other choice but to give in, right? He’d found over the few weeks he’d spent with Jae, that it was a little too hard to say no to the taller lad.

 

Unfortunate. Truly.

 

“Hah?” Wonpil breathed out in disbelief, an eyebrow raising. Well, Younghyun supposed he couldn’t blame the smaller. He wasn’t exactly the type that Jae would hang around with. “Don’t joke around with me, Kang Younghyun. What do you want with Jae? Do you like him? Do you want to date him? Do you want the popularity?”

 

Too many questions. It was a barrage of questions that Younghyun could easily answer with  _ no _ , because that was the truth, wasn’t it? But he wasn’t even given a chance to answer as his eyes caught sight of Wonpil’s fists clenching by his sides, and Younghyun’s eyes flickered back to the other’s face. 

 

“Listen, I don’t want you going around him with those half-assed intentions of yours,” Wonpil said, shadows casted upon his eyes, making his expression unreadable. “Don’t you know? Jae has a fragile heart! He keeps saying I’m the emotional one, but he cries a lot. Too much! When he broke up with his first love, he cried for a month!” 

 

Younghyun’s jaw clenched, and he gulped. 

 

“If you don’t plan anything serious with him—if you still refuse to be friends with him, then just… just  _ leave _ , damn it!” Wonpil stepped forward until he was in front of Younghyun, and the latter instinctively took a step back, but Wonpil reached out to grab Younghyun’s uniform, effectively keeping him in place. Wonpil looked up, eyes glassy but his anger was evident. No, not  _ anger _ . 

 

Desperation, maybe.

 

“Come on, tell me. What do you plan to do with him?” 

 

Younghyun sighed. “Nothing—”

 

“—Don’t do this bullshit with me, Kang!” Somehow, it felt foreign to Younghyun’s ears to hear Wonpil cuss. “I  _ know _ your reputation. I  _ know _ all the delinquent shit you do. If I’m going to be honest, I really  _ don’t _ like you around Jae.”

 

_ I could tell, _ Younghyun replied in his mind. Understandable too. Sometimes he thought about why Jae would still continue to hang out with him, especially since Jae  _ would have _ heard of shits about Younghyun by then.

 

“But…” Wonpil inhaled sharply, “... he seems brighter recently.” His gaze dropped down, and this time, his face was completely hidden from Younghyun’s sight. “He smiles much more than before, laughs much louder, and I know it’s because of  _ you _ .”

 

Younghyun stiffened at what he’d just heard. Jae, doing all of that because of  _ him? _ It sounded too fucking impossible, because  _ him? _ Having an effect on someone as bright as Jae?

 

_ Sounds too fucking unlikely. _

 

“Don’t lead him on with those half-assed feelings, Kang. I don’t want to see him cry because of you.”

 

For a few moments — felt too long, felt almost like an eternity with beat of Younghyun’s heart that came — he was silent, unable to let the words fully sink into his mind. How could he possibly believe Wonpil? It was  _ Jae _ , the sun, gravity, and everything that was too damn bright in Younghyun’s world. How could  _ he _ , of all people, affect  _ Jae _ like that? 

 

Younghyun reached up to tug Wonpil’s hands off of his clothes, freeing himself from the other’s grip. “I…” How should he answer? What could he say that wouldn’t break his promise to Jae of not saying anything about the latter’s sickness? 

 

For a moment, he was tempted. Tempted to tell Wonpil everything, just to soothe a worried soul, but then Younghyun would think of how Jae was going to be disappointed if Younghyun broke his promise; would remember Jae’s words.

 

So when Younghyun met Wonpil’s eyes once again, Younghyun’s countenance was faintly gentler, mellow. “I’m just keeping a promise,” he said. That wasn’t a lie. It was the truth, but Wonpil didn’t need to know what was behind that truth. Not yet, at least. It wasn’t the right time yet. Only Jae had the right to decide when that right time was.

 

“... What promise?” Wonpil frowned. 

 

“Can’t tell you,” Younghyun replied, and he moved toward the door, opening it as his other hand slid into the pocket of his pants. “But let me tell you one thing,” he said, and he tilted his head to look at Wonpil, whose face sported an expression of confusion and frustration. 

 

“I never do anything half-assed.”

 

Without waiting for any reply, Younghyun stepped out, closing the door behind him. He leaned against the metal door for a few moments, gaze focused on the floor. He scoffed to himself as he ran a palm down his face, letting his hand rest by his mouth.  _ “I never do anything half-assed, _ huh?” he muttered to himself, a look of defeat washing over his visage.

 

“Fuck.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you liked this chapter! ❤


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was something pulling Younghyun in, rendering him unable to move away, look away, refuse because as always, there was something about Jae that was just alluring that Younghyun couldn’t find it in himself to want to look away.

Younghyun leaned back on his left leg. People passed by him, excited chattering filling the otherwise empty air of the busy streets near the concert venue. Pink petals swayed with the wind, dancing along the breeze as some of it fell upon his skin. But none of it registered fully in his mind, as Wonpil’s words lingered, occupying his attention. 

 

_ “Don’t lead him on with those half-assed feelings, Kang. I don’t want to see him cry because of you.” _

 

How long had it been since he began to think of Jae as a simple, annoying dying man? Brian didn’t know when; couldn’t remember, actually. Much as he’d like to deny whatever it was that began to form between the two of them, someone wouldn’t just buy their  _ friend _ a VIP ticket for a goddamn concert for  _ free _ . Especially not Younghyun, who knew shit about friendships and anything related to that. 

 

He ran his palm down his face, letting it rest by his mouth. Fuck. He knew he was going to be fucked up by the end of all this, but he couldn’t have avoided it even if he wanted to. 

 

Jae was gravity.

 

It only continued to draw Younghyun in, and he wasn’t sure whether he  _ actually _ wanted to pull away—

 

“—Bri!” 

 

Younghyun blinked out of his reverie, startled as his gaze quickly moved toward the source of the voice. Jae’s figure wasn’t easy to miss among the crowd. The guy was tall, taller than most, and at this point, Younghyun already had Jae’s figure memorized. It wasn’t hard, especially when the two of them were together more than Younghyun would have preferred to. 

 

Jae was dressed in a combination of pastel blue jacket and pants, and pastel pink shirt inside. Younghyun blinked repeatedly, couldn’t help but think that Jae might have looked  _ too _ good in that outfit— _ too _ soft, and in all honesty, it made Younghyun’s heart ache in an unfamiliar way. In instinct, a hand moved up his chest, clutching his own black shirt. Jae looked too bright in this night, and Younghyun thought that wasn’t— _ shouldn’t _ be natural, but this was Jae he was talking about.

 

There seemed to be nothing normal if it was him involved.

 

A grin that seemed to never leave Jae’s face greeted Younghyun, and Jae stopped right in front of Younghyun, a hand up in the air. “Yo,” Jae greeted in a light tone. “Did you wait for long?”

 

“No,” was Younghyun’s immediate answer, followed by a shake of the head. He glanced down at his wristwatch. “You’re just right on time.” Their agreed meeting time, anyway. He just had the habit of trying not to be late for anything, which was he would usually end up arriving (much) earlier. It wasn’t as if he minded though. He preferred waiting than being waited for.

 

“Well then, shall we go?”

 

For some reason, Younghyun expected Jae to extend a hand. Jae didn’t. What was Younghyun even thinking about? That was an unnecessary thought.

 

“Yeah,” Younghyun said quickly just as Jae raised an eyebrow in confusion, just before Younghyun thought his name would fall off of Jae’s lips. “Let’s go.”

 

The venue was packed, like Younghyun was expecting, but not enough for him to feel claustrophobic. While there were very little space in between the bodies of fans who simply wanted to watch their favorites up close, there was still enough distance between all of them to be comfortable with. Younghyun had heard several things regarding the Korean fans, but maybe it was because of the fact the band wasn’t idols that they didn’t feel the need to jump and push others.

 

Which was good, Younghyun nodded in approval. At least he didn’t have to worry bout Jae too much. Jae looked too fragile sometimes — too much that it would only feel natural for Younghyun to feel like protecting him. Yes. That was only natural, wasn’t it? Who  _ wouldn’t _ want to protect him?

 

“Oi,” Younghyun called, moving just a little bit closer to Jae, “be careful, alright?”

 

A bit of surprise masked Jae’s face as he looked down at the smaller, before his lips curled up into a smile. “Worried about me now, eh?” Younghyun only scoffed and threw Jae a look, to which the latter only laughed at and patted Younghyun in the back lightly. “Don’t worry too much! I can handle myself just fine, yeah?”

 

Younghyun seemed to recall someone almost getting hit by a car, but he decided not to bring that up, and simply turned to the front. “If you say so,” he replied. “Don’t come crying to me later when you get an injury then.”

 

“I won’t!” Jae then leaned forward, throwing an arm around Younghyun’s shoulders, which caused the smaller to flinch slightly. “Besides I’ve got you beside me, haven’t I?” 

 

Younghyun’s breath hitched in his throat, and he made it a point not to look at Jae as he moved his gaze to the other side. “What is that even supposed to mean?”

 

He could imagine Jae’s face as a cheery laugh erupted from the other, and Jae leaned his weight against Younghyun’s figure. “That just means one thing, Bri: you’re supposed to be my knight in shining armor!”

 

Younghyun had to cringe and look at Jae with an eye twitching. “What did you just say?” 

 

Jae’s laugh only got louder, and for a moment, Younghyun thought that it might have bothered those around them (but then again, they were a little too into their worlds, excited about the concert). “I said what I said, Bri.”

 

A retort was lost on Younghyun’s lips as the lights went out all of a sudden, and screams roared from around them. The two of them looked up at the stage, a spotlight lit and illuminating the band onstage. Unlike the male on his side, Younghyun’s face was passive, void of expressions just like always, but his eyes — they were the most honest part of his face.

 

A contrast to his usually emotionless visage, Younghyun’s eyes glinted with something he hadn’t expressed in quite a long time. Something he’d pushed down for so long—

 

_ “That’s a waste of time, Younghyun,” the man said, frowning at the small child whose hands above the white keys of a piano. “What future can a piano give you?” _

 

_ Younghyun didn’t answer. He didn’t feel the need to. _

 

_ “Nothing. Look at your mother.” _

 

_ The young boy flinched.  _

 

_ “Where is your mother now? Gone, like the whore that she is!” _

 

The stars of the night started to play, music easily filling out the stadium, with the screams and chants of those around Younghyun and Jae almost louder than the instruments the stars played. Goosebumps spread through Younghyun’s skin, and he could only stare at the stage, lights reflecting in his irises.

 

_ Admiration. _ Desire.  _ Envy. _ The want—the one dream he’d ignored for most of his life. 

 

_ How would it feel,  _ a voice in the back of his mind whispered,  _ to be the one standing on the stage, playing in front of all of these people? _

 

Younghyun’s hands twitched by his sides, and for a moment, the world around him seemed to have disappeared. Jae’s body would often bump against him as the taller one jumped excitedly, screaming his voice out and singing along with the band and a thousand other fans, and the world felt both distant and too near at the same time. Younghyun could hear and feel everything  _ too _ clearly, and the very feeling had his heart aching, eyes tearing up.

 

_ Oh? _ He took a shaky breath and held a hand to his mouth, blinking. This felt familiar, and he couldn’t say he liked it. This was probably a bad idea, he thought to himself as he took another deep breath, blinking his glassy eyes. 

 

Was he seriously just about to cry?

 

He glanced at his company. He was more than glad to know that Jae remained oblivious to the inner turmoil he was currently having — he didn’t want to ruin the other’s night just because of his own issues. Someone bumped into him from behind, causing him to take one step forward, but somehow it didn’t register in his mind for long. 

 

He slapped both of his cheeks lightly and shook his head. He needed to get himself together, damn it. Even if he wasn’t able to enjoy this concert himself, it’d be alright if Jae enjoyed it. The boy looked like he was getting excited for the two of them together anyway. 

 

Well, Younghyun had bought these tickets for Jae in the first place. He’d feel like it’d have been a waste of  _ he _ was the one who ruined this night. 

 

But how was he supposed to show that he was enjoying this? Or at least, pretend that everything was fine? He wasn’t sure how perceptive Jae was, and he sure as hell couldn’t pull off an excited face. He couldn’t even recall the last time he  _ laughed _ .

 

Oh. That was actually quite sad, wasn’t it?

 

An arm was thrown around Younghyun’s shoulders, and he turned his head to look up at Jae, who was grinning at him. “Sing with us, Bribri!” Jae yelled, trying hard to be heard over the noise, before he faced the front again and easily went along with the lyrics. With an arm raised up in the air, Jae sang out to his heart’s content, though Younghyun couldn’t hear it too clearly amidst the noise. 

 

Jae was happy. Younghyun thought that was enough.

 

-

 

Hours later, Younghyun was walking down the rather lively streets of their area with one hoarse Jae Park. The air was still buzzing with excitement, albeit a bit tired from the concert. There were too many people around, much to Younghyun’s disapproval. Should he have brought a car? Maybe he should have — or at least, they could have chosen another route. But at 1AM, he’d rather not risk getting mugged. 

 

Jae stretched his arms up and let out a satisfied sigh. “That was  _ sooo _ fun!” he said cheerily, and he turned to look at Younghyun. “Thank you for giving me a free ticket, Bri. I really, really appreciate it! But… how should I repay you? I doubt you’d take money for this.”

 

If Younghyun were to be honest, he still didn’t know why he went ahead and bought the tickets. Really, he didn’t have an obligation to do it. Just because he had the money didn’t mean that he should actually give someone else a free ticket. Then… would it be different if it were a friend? But even if it  _ were _ a friend, it still wouldn’t make sense for him to give away a free ticket. 

 

It simply wasn’t something that could be associated with Younghyun’s personality, so why did he even do it in the first place? 

 

He got the feeling that he wasn’t going to like the answer his brain might come up with, so he decided to drop it.

 

“Eh,” Younghyun said and waved a hand in a dismissive manner.  _ As long as you’re happy, it’s okay _ — fuck, he couldn’t possibly say that, could he? That was too cheesy, and where the hell did that even come from? He almost shivered at his own thoughts, and pushed it down. “Just felt like it.”

 

Yeah, as if that was believable, Kang Younghyun.

 

Jae seemed to stare at him in disbelief. “You bought me a VIP ticket  _ just because _ you felt like it?” Younghyun didn’t say anything in reply. “Wow, man. Are you rich or something?”

 

“Well,” Younghyun started, rubbing the nape of his neck, “I had money to spare.”

 

Maybe that wasn’t the best answer, but he didn’t have anything better. 

 

“Wow.” Jae probably didn’t buy that — or if he did, what did he think of Younghyun now? “Would be nice if I had money to spare like you too, so you know, I can return the favor someday.”

 

“Nah. Don’t think about it too much.”  _ Think of it as my gift for a dying man, _ he wanted to say, just for the sake of saying something, but the very thought of Jae and death in one sentence made his heart stop for a quick moment.

 

That very action bothered him, but he decided to push it down along with his other unnecessary thoughts.

 

“Are you sure?” Jae asked. Younghyun sighed and ran his palm over his face. 

 

“Yes, Jae.  _ Yes, _ I’m sure. Stop or else, I’ll change my mind, yeah?”

 

The taller seemed to immediately back off from the threat, and he raised both hands up in surrender. “A’ight, a’ight, I’ll stop. I don’t have money to pay it with, in the first place so…” He shrugged his shoulders, looked at Younghyun with a grin, “I’ll just take it as a gift.”

 

Younghyun nodded, satisfied. “Good. You should consider not being so stubborn all the time. It’ll make a lot of things easier for the both of us.”

 

“Aw,” Jae made a face and hopped closer to Younghyun, throwing a rather long arm around the smaller’s shoulders. “But being stubborn is part of my charm!” 

 

“Whatever charm are you talking about?” 

 

Jae made a sound, and clutched his chest with his other hand. “Okay. Okay, Bribri. Keep denying my charms worked on you. It’s part of what makes you cute anyway.”

 

Younghyun could only raise an eyebrow, before he sighed as he rolled his eyes. “Just—just shut up for a few minutes, Jae. Please,” he said, even going as far as to rub his temples, because  _ maybe _ Jae would actually shut up then. 

 

“Nope!” Jae said, popping the p sound, and after a beat of silence, he continued, “you enjoyed that concert too, right?”

 

“Yeah,” was Younghyun’s quick answer. “Of course.” 

 

That answer seemed to be enough to send a contented grin to grace Jae’s face, and the taller turned his attention back to the street ahead of them. “Good! It wouldn’t be as much fun for me if you didn’t have fun, so it’s nice to know that you enjoyed it too.”

 

Younghyun only hummed. Even if that wasn’t necessarily true, he’d managed to regain his composure (or most of it anyway) around the latter half of the whole concert, so it was quite safe to say that he was a bit… out of it for most parts. Jae didn’t notice, and Younghyun was glad with that. He’d rather not discuss about his ‘daddy issues’ with Jae — or anyone else for that matter.

 

No matter how stubborn they were.

 

“Oh!” Jae made a noise as though he’d thought of something again and the first thing that ran through Younghyun’s mind was,  _ ‘oh no.’ _ Younghyun’s guts were telling him to run (or not really, he was just exaggerating a bit), but Jae had his lanky arm thrown around Younghyun’s shoulder, giving the smaller no escape. “Bri, do you play any instruments?” 

 

_ No, _ Younghyun wanted to say, but he’d reason that Jae’s eyes were simply too bright for Younghyun to even try and lie and escape from what he knew would only be additional effort from his side, so he would forever blame Jae for the answer that was going to come out of his lips.

 

“Yeah, the guitar.”

 

The widening of Jae’s smile had Younghyun’s heart beat a little bit faster than earlier (and  _ no, _ it wasn’t because of how pretty it was for his eyes). The two of them had stopped walking by then, and Jae still held Younghyun by the shoulders. It might have looked silly to the others, might have  _ sounded _ silly to the others, but it felt the same as before: there was something pulling Younghyun in, rendering him unable to move away, look away,  _ refuse _ because as always, there was something about Jae that was just alluring that Younghyun couldn’t find it in himself to  _ want _ to look away.

 

“Let’s make a band, Bri!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yikes so it's been a while and it's kinda short! but it's best to end it here uwu the upcoming chapters may or may not dabble a bit deeper into bribri's life! if you liked it, do leave a kudos and a comment. good day!
> 
> note: this hasn't been edited yet but : D


End file.
